What's The Point
by LeftMeSpeechless
Summary: It was awkward and he didn’t even know why; he had been here so often he almost felt like he lived here. Heck, he’d had a key for more than ten years now, and he had never felt nervous before. - "Genma?" - Gen/Rai; BL don t like don t read, fluffy


_**What is the Point?**_

**Rating**: T

**Summary**: It was awkward and he didn't even know why; he had been here so often he almost felt like he lived here. Heck, he'd had a key for more than ten years now, and he had never felt nervous before. - "Genma?" - Gen/Rai; BL don´t like don´t read

**Disclaimer: **Don´t own Naruto and don´t make money with the borrowed characters.

**Worshipped Betas**: Thea Blackthorn and Mystic Dragon – who both showed angelic patience with my crappy attempts on writing…

~*~

It was awkward and he didn't even know why; he had been here so often he almost felt like he lived here. Heck, he'd had a key for more than ten years now, and he had never felt nervous before.

"Genma?"

He had searched the house and now finally stood in front of his friend's bedroom. Nothing could be heard from behind the sliding door, and the whole house was all too quiet, which added to Raidou's uneasy feeling. Genma's cat had passed him with little interest on its way to the garden, and had given him a small twitch of acknowledgement with her tail. That meant Genma must have been here recently, otherwise Hoshi would have demanded to be fed – loudly. That cat shaped black hole always got what she wanted, be it either food or a comfy, breathing pillow.

Raidou opened the door slowly. He was ready to dodge whatever might come flying his way, as it was never a good idea to startle a sleeping Nin to begin with, let alone an ANBU with senbon as their weapon of choice.

Raidou's breath caught in his throat when he finally caught sight of his friend lying sprawled out on his futon; he hadn't even stirred when he had entered the room. The image of Asuma lying on the roof of that god forsaken bounty hunter exchange point flashed through his mind, everything about him exuding the stillness of death, it was just too vivid a memory. He all but bolted to Genma's side - not bothering to close the door or even think about explaining his openly panicked reaction. He looked Genma over quickly and relaxed back on to his heels, even if what he saw wasn't encouraging it was better than the memory that had washed through him. In contrast to his irrational conclusion that his friend might be dead, the steady breathes were a comfort - for now at least. Even if it was laboured and his face was flushed, he was breathing, and that was all that mattered.

Raidou sighed as relief pushed back the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, it reminded him of a similar feeling he'd had during the journey back home with the ruffled Team 10. He had witnessed many Shinobis' deaths, but Asuma had been his friend and a constant in his life for a long time. After seeing him finally muster the courage to admit his feelings for Kurenai, this sudden end was – it was just – he didn't know what it was. He had just hoped that it would be a happy ending for them both as it had been for the Naras and the Yamanakas.

The whole journey had been silent; they were all wrapped up in their own thoughts while taking turns in carrying the body of their fallen sensei, comrade and friend home. The kids had really grown a lot, and one could almost forget how young they still were. But after their heart breaking experience of witnessing Asuma departing this world, they had held up admirably.

Ino, Choji and Shikamaru were determined to live through this with dignity their body language still showed their grief, but they were alert and behaved as they were supposed to. Asuma had every right to be proud of them, they had grown into fine young Shinobi, even if Raidou was more and more convinced that that wasn't something he would wish for anyone.

Raidou swallowed thickly to keep his feelings down. The solemn mood had given them time to think, more than he had wanted, and certainly too much for Shikamaru, who silently blamed himself. Kotetsu and Izumo had been unusually subdued, too. Kakuzu had almost choked them to death single handedly – it had been a close call for the whole team, and the two Chuunin had sat huddled together on their short break, exchanging discreet touches. The Akatsuki were more than a serious threat, and they were lucky that they had been ordered to withdraw; otherwise there would have certainly been more casualties. He knew that he had slipped out of death's clutches by chance alone, and he wasn't ready to go yet. He knew he should be, being shinobi, but he wasn't.

He took a deep steadying breath and it calmed him down; there was no need for Genma to see him upset like this. He looked around and saw a bottle of medicine, a glass of water and some other medical supplies on the small table set a little to the side of the futon.

"Genma." His voice didn't betray him, at least. There was a little concern in it, but not the amount of panic he had felt when he had first entered, or the carefully suppressed sorrow from just a moment ago.

Genma finally stirred and slowly opened his eyes.

Raidou smiled and carefully lowered his hand to Genma's forehead to confirm his suspicion "Hey, how are you?" He gently brushed a few stray locks of hair out of Genma's face.

"You're back." His voice sounded hoarse and weak, but he seemed to wake up slowly, and met Raidou's uncharacteristically tender gaze. They both understood that being sent out to find the Akatsuki was dangerous, even if Genma didn't know how close this time had been.

"You're burning up. What's wrong?" Raidou reached for the thermometer lying on the table and looked at it. The silver mercury column indicated thirty eight degrees Celsius, but that seemed to be a little too optimistic, considering the heat Genma emanated right now. The fever had probably risen since his temperature had been taken the last time. He gave it a few sharp swings and looked again.

Genma sighed and rolled over to lie on his stomach, still facing the other. He knew better than to argue, and at the moment, he just didn't stand any chance of refusing or dismissing Raidou's actions. Also, it was nice on occasion, when there was actually someone who was willing to fuss over you a little.

"Nothing serious. I got the flu on the last mission." The dark green blanket was lifted and Genma shivered a little from the cold air that met his hot skin. He was carefully undressed and felt a comforting touch on his hip as Raidou carefully slipped the thermometer in him. The fevered ninja shivered and groaned when he felt the cold tip enter.

"Sorry." Raidou gently placed the blanket back over his friend before he slipped his fingers into his long hair and rubbed comforting circles on his neck.

"You know this is a little weird, don´t you?" Genma's voice was still rough, even as he relaxed into the soothing ministrations.

"What? No one in their right mind would put something in your mouth even remotely resembling a senbon, especially when it contains mercury, and when we both know you'd cheat. I bet you had a fever earlier and tricked the medic." Raidou's had a light teasing tone to his voice which relaxed the younger man even further.

"Yeah, yeah - got the point, but that's not what I meant. Since when do you do cuddling?"

Raidou was faced with the tired but searching gaze of his long term friend and - bed warmer? Fuck buddy? Fling, affair… lover? The older nin stumbled over his own thoughts again, but Genma was right, of course - he had never been one for tender touches or extensive physical contact. His fingers stilled, still tangled in the light brown hair of his friend as a visible frown formed on his face, before his hands retreated hesitantly.

It didn't escape Genma though, who looked at him with a more alert gaze than before beginning to rise and turn to face him.

Raidou's hand slipped down between his shoulder blades to prevent him from doing so, and the younger man relaxed under his hand again, comforted by the contact.

"What happened, Rai?"

Raidou looked into fevered but serious eyes. He was quite sure he would get away with a quick lie, but he didn't really want to. How could Genma figure him out, when he was obviously completely out of it anyway? His thoughts whirled, not sure where to begin, as his hands finally rested on his own thighs again and broke the contact they had shared before he began hesitantly.

"I… uh..." he sighed heavily. "Let's take care of you first."

He didn't need to look at Genma's face; he knew there would be a crease on his brows right now. Even if Genma seemed to be more sociable than most of them, in this last consequence that was not true. Genma liked the casual contact he had, it kept him distracted when he needed distraction.

In the end, he diverted them with crooked smiles and lewd comments. He didn't want most of them to see what was below the casual surface. Unlike Kakashi he didn't need a mask or Iruka's polite smiles to keep his feelings a secret, the hidden emotions somehow just didn't surface. In all the years they'd known each other, Raidou could remember only a handful occasion when Genma had lost it in front of others. When they were alone, they both almost never tried to hide what they felt, so he was achingly familiar with this worried frown.

The pause continued, and he knew Genma was waiting for him to carry on, but he couldn´t right now. Raidou wasn't even sure what to say. `_Hey Gen, Asuma is dead. Got sliced up by some lunatic in a weird pseudo religious ritual._´ It didn't really matter what he said, as it was all the same. Maybe he should be happy he wasn't as emotionally stunted as he had feared, not being able to just dismiss his friend's death so easily. His hands had found their way back into Genma's hair, and his friend looked up at him in concern. He gave him a small sad smile and shrugged.

"How do you feel anyway?"

"I feel like crap. Everything hurts and I feel like I can't lift a finger. I think my throat has started to join the rest of me."

"Sounds a bit like it. Do you want some water?"

"Uuh… think so…"

Raidou got up and got a glass for him. "Do you need help?"

"I think I can manage…" his hand shook, and Raidou reached down to steady the glass while Genma took small sips of the cool liquid, then waited patiently until he was finished. Genma looked almost ready to drift off to sleep again. It was a rare thing to see the restless man lie so still on the futon, his face cushioned on his hands, while his cheeks and nose sported a delicate red hue. Raidou slid down next to him again and removed the thermometer, then looked at it in concern.

"Thirty-nine point seven; that's pretty bad. When did you last take some medicine?"

The answer was swallowed by a painful sounding cough that wracked the body of the Tokujou. Raidou helped him to turn around and sit up. The coughing died down after a moment, but he kept Genma sitting, shivering, on his bed with watering eyes.

"Uh, I don't know. What time is it?" Genma leaned heavily on the scarred man as he felt his joints ache more intensely and he felt awfully light headed. A small voice inside his head carefully supplied that this would be a good moment to panic, as he was completely defenceless now. His muscles tensed as his body reacted almost on instinct.

"Calm down, it's okay. I'm here. I'll protect you."

A strong arm wrapped around his chest and the calm whisper made him settle down again; the older man's promise seemed to be enough to make him relax. When had they grown so close? Maybe that just happened when you protected each other often enough - or was it just knowing someone for the better part of your life?

"Good, that's better... It's six now."

"I don´t really remember when the medic was here. I slept most of the time since, so … I think she was here this morning."

Raidou just nodded and reached over for the bottle of pills left on the table. Reading the instructions on the back carefully, he opened the bottle and shook a white pill into his hand.

"Can you sit on your own? Just for a moment?"

Genma nodded weakly, and was guided until he sat as stably as possible while he stared at the folds of his bamboo patterned blanket.

"I really hate being sick."

Raidou gave him a crooked grin and shook his head before he handed over the pill and the water. Genma swallowed both and grimaced before he downed the rest of the water greedily.

"Can I have some more?"

Raidou smiled and filled the glass again. "Are you up for something to eat?"

"Not really. I just want to sleep."

"It's okay. How about I cook? By the time that it's done, maybe you'll feel more like it. When the fever goes down a little, you should feel better."

Genma nodded weakly and was asleep before he had been gently settled onto the futon again. For a moment, Raidou watched him lying there, shivering badly, before he tucked him in properly. He was sure that Genma never felt the cold cloth that was carefully placed on his forehead, nor saw the loving smile that tilted his lips.

~*~

Raidou stood in the kitchen as he performed his task on auto pilot, trapped in a state of mission-like detachment again. He was almost done with the cooking when he heard some scraping from the front door. He immediately froze and looked around. Hoshi sat right behind him and looked towards the door, too. Her ears pointed towards the noise and flicked twice as she got up from her newspaper-pillow. She jumped from the counter in all her feline grace and vanished.

Raidou had tensed immediately when he heard the lock click and the door open quietly. He shifted his position, a kunai in his hand before he consciously registered it, and the intruder seemed to stand still too. The light from the open kitchen could be seen from the front door, but Raidou's shadow was at an angle that made the body it belonged to invisible from where he stood. The intruder began to move, and dashed towards Raidou's position. Raidou acted on instinct alone, his nerves still in mission mode. He dropped low and aimed a kick to the intruder's legs to get the person off their feet and make himself a smaller target. A fast, hard punch that followed the low swipe knocked the smaller figure off their feet.

The person was too surprised to dodge his attack, and crashed heavily against a cupboard before she landed on the floor. Raidou didn't waste a single heartbeat pinning her down with a kunai to her throat. It took precisely the time to place a kunai at Shizune's jugular vein to recognize who she was. She knew better than to move now, though she relaxed when she saw that he had recognized her. Raidou took a deep breath and released her. As he did, he saw three senbon pointed directly at his unprotected abdomen.

"Shizune." He tried to appear as positive as he could, but his voice obviously lacked real cheerfulness. Shizune responded with a small frown, which made the pressed smile seem almost apologetic and took the offered hand.

"Sorry, Raidou, I didn't expect anyone to be here. I thought you were Genma…" she looked a little sheepish, this time for real.

"I see. I am sorry… it's just… "´_My nerves are still a little frayed since we lost Asuma..._` he just couldn´t bring himself to say it, as it was pointless. What could she say besides a polite apology? Nothing; no one could say anything to make it better, so there was no real point in talking. Reality was cruel enough as it was, and come time, this would be another sore spot that would turn numb and fade into the other tragedies he had experienced as shinobi.

"I know." She nodded, accompanied by a sad smile, and they stood silent for a moment. "I'm sorry. I didn't know Asuma too well, but we all will miss him…"

Raidou just nodded and looked away. Shizune didn't mean to be insensitive, but it felt wrong, and anything she said at the moment would have felt wrong, as well. He knew she felt uncomfortable too, and watched her attention shift towards the kitchen to find a way to divert the subject to a lighter topic.

"You were cooking, Raidou?"

He suppressed another sigh to relieve the tensions that had built up again.

"Yeah. I didn't feel like take-out, and it is quite a task to get Genma to eat anything, when he is ill."

The curiosity was written plainly on her face. She went a step further towards the cooker, trying to catch a glimpse of what he had prepared. "That smells awesome; I didn't know you could cook."

Raidou looked at her, dumbfound, before he chuckled darkly.

"Actually, I'm not surprised you didn't know. I mean, when did we have a chance to get acquainted, anyway? We've only had like three or four short missions together." He went over to the cooker and resumed his task.

"You're here to check on Genma?" It wasn't a real question but he needed to say it if he wanted to keep her focused on her reason for being here and get her out as soon as possible. He really was in no mood for meaningless chitchat, and even less with her.

"I was the one who drew the short straw. Checking on Genma and most likely dragging him into hospital if necessary...." She watched him put some dumplings in a steamer and set a timer. The smells in the kitchen were mouth watering, and the way Raidou moved around made it clear he knew his way around.

"But what are _you_ doing here?" She cocked her head, and it seemed to him that she was expecting a certain answer. He had a good idea about what she might want to hear. Even Kunoichi – who were a far shot from the average female - couldn´t keep their noses out of others' relationships - or better, out of their non relationships.

"Me? _I_ have a key and his permission to show up whenever I feel like. We usually drop by each other's when we get back…"_ `... to let each other know we survived.`_ A small twitch of his lips was all he allowed himself to show at the moment, but there was Asuma's face again. At this rate, he really _would_ have a break down. He needed to sleep, preferably after mindlessly beating one of the training posts to splinters like Gai always did, and then collapse from exhaustion.

"I see. How is he?" She inquired more carefully this time, back to the point.

"When I arrived, his fever was pretty high. When I woke him, he was lucid, although weak, and went back to sleep after I had taken his temperature and made him take a painkiller and drink some water."

She nodded simply, and seemed to hide another smile when he had slipped back into "report status" to give her the details. Or was it because of something else…?

"I see. What was his temperature?"

"Thirty nine point six, but I guess it's down a bit, since he wasn't too restless when I last checked on him." The lemon shaped timer shrilled, and Raidou reached for the steamer to rescue the dumplings from it and refill it with the next batch.

"That is pretty bad. I'll leave you to your cooking and just go and check on him."

He nodded and went back to work.

It didn't take her too long to come back to the kitchen, where she was greeted with half a smile as Raidou was about to finish preparing the dishes. "And what is the verdict?"

"He will live."

Raidou frowned deeply and stopped mid-move, as if something had hit him. It took him a moment before he answered slowly.

"I see." He had somehow asked for it by his choice of words, but that didn't make it easier at that moment.

Shizune bit her lip and lowered her head, ashamed, but didn't comment or apologize, since that wouldn't be taken well, either.

"Will you stay here and take care of him?"

Raidou nodded silently, and didn't make eye contact.

"Then I will leave him to you. Otherwise, I would have taken him to hospital. He's got it quite bad. They were still a day out from Konoha when he came down with the fever, and they couldn't risk stopping. The strain was not good for his condition. Please keep an eye on him. If he develops new symptoms, it might be a sign of a secondary infection, so notify someone immediately if that should happen. I'll drop a note in the mission room for you..."

He nodded again, gaze still fixed on the sink while his hands kept a vice-like hold on the worktop, which made his knuckles appear pale on his tanned hand

"Are you okay?"

Her voice was full of concern, but all he could do was just nod again. The lie was obvious, but what else had she expected, anyway? As a ninja, he was supposed to deny his feelings, so what was the point in asking? For a moment, he considered returning her own words and say ´I'll live`, but that would be uncalled for.

He still couldn´t bring himself to like Shizune too much. Since she had tried to flirt with Genma back in the springtime, he'd had a hard time not being too cold to her. Their friends had been rather amused by his behaviour, but had not tried to pry or push. He suppressed another heartfelt sigh as he still didn't look at her. The silence stretched on, and he needed to say something now, because she didn't deserve such cold treatment for trying to be nice.

"I will be, at least."

"He asked for you." She made a small pause before she continued in a softer tone, "Will you tell him?"

"Yes. What is the point in stalling?" He almost laughed at that, and his mind promptly provided a snide remark. ´_Yes what is the point in stalling? You've done it for three years now with Genma, and still can't admit your feelings, coward. This would make a good comedy, wouldn't it?_´ He bit back another dark remark and finally looked at her, but couldn´t see any hint that she believed him. All he could see was genuine concern.

"It's okay, Shizune; don´t worry. I just need some time. We were friends for so long..."

She nodded hesitantly before she bowed politely. "Sorry for invading. I'll take my leave now."

He almost cringed again, no she didn´t deserve his cold treatment at all.

"No, I am sorry, Shizune, really, but I just… "

"It's okay." She cut in before he needed to explain any further.

She retreated back to the front door and he followed to see her out.

~*~

Raidou stood in the kitchen, and felt like he was watching someone else's life again. He hated those detached moments, where he felt light headed and it was as if everything had been forcefully ripped from him while he was left watching. Since Shinobi were meant to be tools, he sometimes pondered what the point was in letting them have lives outside of missions. His body didn't sigh, even though he was sure it would just feel good to relieve some tension. If he struggled, he could do it, but he couldn't really bring himself to care for such a minor inconvenience at the moment, because somehow not doing it felt safe. As he watched himself prepare the meal, his stomach rumbled, but he didn't feel hungry at all. Hoshi had joined him again and was trying to get a little scratch or pet, but Raidou simply ignored the cat. Her small warm body leaned against his leg while passing back and forth, curling her tail around it as often as she could. The soft mewing just didn´t reach the part of him that would smile and kneel down to pet the calico with the star shaped patch over her ear.

He carried the low table to the bedroom, but didn't approach the other Nin who stayed silent himself. Raidou chose to ignore him for the moment, and set the table, and then brought the food. Genma looked better. The drugs seemed to work, but that left him now with a wary pair of eyes trained on him, while he ate in silence.

"What´s wrong?"

Raidou almost frowned, but didn't reveal anything except a twitch. _´Now here we go.`_

"Nothing." Maybe he should have just said it; he would not get off the hook again now that the other was awake and somewhat alert.

"Nothing my ass. Did something happen?"

Raidou pressed his lips into a tight line and carefully placed his chopstick on the bowl that had been filled with soup earlier. He neatly folded his hands in his lap and kept his gaze on the simple dragon design of his rice bowl.

"Asuma is dead."

The words tasted bitter on his tongue, and he had the urge to rub his hands over his face, but ignored it. The silence fell heavily on the room after that, and neither of them made a sound. Genma was the first to regain his speech.

"How?" His voice was quivering slightly.

Raidou took a moment before he answered in barely a whisper.

"His team ran into two Akatsuki at an exchange point. Asuma was killed in a weird ritual, and Kotetsu and Izumo were almost strangled. Shikamaru was completely spent. We were called in for back up, but … we arrived too late."

"You were there?"

Raidou nodded, and heard Genma shuffle from his position to crawl over and carefully pull him into a loose hug.

"We came too late to intervene; we could only save the Chuunin, and I suppose if those two didn´t get the order to retreat, we would have been done for."

He felt Genma's warm hand on the back of his head, and willingly let him guide it to his shoulder, where his forehead came to rest at the crook of his neck. The scent of Genma finally pulled him back from his detachment, and he felt his rigid body melt into Genma's. All the emotions he had held in came crashing down and made it hard to breath. He tried to fight back the tears that threatened to fall. This would normally be the time they screwed each other senseless, just to escape it and lessen the intensity by channelling the raw emotion into something else, but today was different. He finally sighed and pulled away reluctantly before he stood up to look down into warm, caring eyes. He bent down and kissed Genma's forehead.

"You should lie down again. I will clear the table."

Genma didn't object, knowing that the other needed the familiarity of this routine, and moved back to his futon where he watched Raidou silently clean up.

It was all done quickly, and Raidou found himself back in the bedroom too soon for his liking. He still didn't know what he should say, or if there was a need to say anything at all. When he entered the room, Genma lifted his blanket, and Raidou took the invitation without hesitation. He got rid of his sweater and the uniform pants before he slid down next to the warm, welcoming body.

They shifted a little until they had assumed a comfortable position, with Genma half draped over him and cradled in his arms.

"I can't believe it, it feels so unreal. I would have never guessed that Asuma would pass away like this."

Raidou nodded as the tight feeling welled up inside his chest again. The fingertips of his left hand began trailing over Genma's back, trying to concentrate on the feeling of smooth skin broken by the uneven mounds of scar tissue. He couldn´t bring himself to say anything so they remained silent, wrapped up in their own musings.

Genma's fingers began to run carefully over his face. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to get lost in the caring touches.

"I love you."

Raidou caught his breath and stilled instantly, but did not open his eyes.

"Why did you say that?"

"Because you won't. And because we really don´t know, when it will be our last chances."

"Maybe I don´t love you."

"No, you do."

There was no teasing in Genma's voice, and he was dead serious about what he said. Raidou opened his eyes to search the other's gaze, but all he saw was a pale face lying on his chest, eyes closed and relaxed. He had been caught, more like shot down, and there wasn't even a point in denying it.

"Why are you so sure about that?"

"For one, because if looks could kill, Shizune would be dead by now. Second because I am still lying here and you didn´t even attempt to get away when I said it."

The older man nodded so slightly that it was almost just a twitch.

"When was the last time you had sex with someone else?"

Raidou just shrugged, not exactly knowing when that had been, but sure it was more a matter of years than months.

"I didn't either Rai. It just felt wrong and that was when I figured out why."

"It's still pointless. How long can this last anyway?"

He felt a warm hand at his chin, guiding his face towards two warm lips that caught his in a gentle kiss. In a subconscious move, he let his hand rest on the dreaded tattoo on Genma's arm.

"Namiashi, you are an idiot sometimes. You see, I think that Asuma was glad that Kurenai could be sure that he loved her. She may have lost him, but they shared something and she will look back and remember that. Most of us fear their memories, but she will at least have an untainted one of him."

Genma was cut of by a cough before he resumed his hushed speech.

"See, I´m too tired and sore to start a philosophical rant on love, but when I look at it, love sums up my feelings towards you rather nicely. And, knowing you a little by now, I would even go as far as to claim that you love me too. That's why I said it."

The older man closed his mouth and stared at the ceiling, and didn't know what to say as he felt outmanoeuvred and defeated. He felt the warm hand resume it's gentle caress on his chest followed by a few small kisses. Raidou sighed and resumed the gentle ministration on Genma's back and the younger man shifted a little before he drifted back to sleep in Raidou's arms. Raidou listened to his even breathing and just enjoyed the too warm body next to him. He would have hell to pay, when he caught Genma's flu, but he didn´t care. He felt insanely happy and that was enough for now.

~*~


End file.
